It’s October.

For those of us who use the New Year to set our intention for the changes we want to make in our lives, October can feel like a funny time. 

Have I accomplished what I wanted to this year? Where have I procrastinated on making changes? Is it too late to start my New Year’s resolution in October? 

Earlier this year, I shared my trich New Year’s resolution in a blog post, (Eye)lashing Out During Allergy Season. My goal was to have a full set of eyelashes at some point during the year. Well, October is here and it’s been one relapse after another. In fact, I currently have the fewest number of eyelashes I’ve had all year.

For almost two decades, I tried to wish away my trichotillomania - using every chance of hope offered in one form or another to say: I don’t want to pull anymore. I don’t want to have trichotillomania. Every shooting star, every birthday wish, every dandelion I blew away, every New Year’s resolution - I wished for the same thing. 

I’m working on a new path for myself - one of acceptance and self-compassion. I’m learning to love my trichotillomania and myself. I no longer beat myself up every time I pull a hair from my head. I no longer believe that people won’t like me because I pull out my hair. I no longer feel the need to cover up my bald spots.  

And yet, my journey of self-acceptance seems to be at odds with my resolution for eyelashes.

With this year’s resolution, I’ve told myself I can’t be in control of my trichotillomania unless I do something that I haven’t been able to do in 20 years - stop pulling out my eyelashes.

It’s time to start taking my own advice. I need to stop trying to control my trich with negativity. It’s time to include my eyelashes on my path of acceptance. 

My eyelashes will not be back by the end of the year and that’s ok. They may not be back by the end of next year and that’s ok. If they never come back, that’s ok too. 

My happiness does not depend on whether or not I have a full set of eyelashes. My happiness depends on me.  

So yes, it’s October and I’ve decided to throw away my last no-pull New Year’s resolution.